can't escape the negative thoughts

Its a Tuesday, I am at work just like every other day. But just like so many days before I can't concentrate on my to do list. I keep staring at the computer or look at your little flowered password book with the "M" on the cover flipping through its pages of your handwriting. I always touch it, running my fingers over the letters, I can feel the ones written in ball point pen etched into the pages a little. I love the Ms and the Ls, and the funny passwords you came up with for websites that made you change it to often (man we both hated that)! Then I am looking at your emails where you saved "The Letter" and I am tumbling down the rabbit hole of despair, anger and sadness.

I know it has only be 7 months since you left, but most days the pain I feel inside is unbearable, and I constantly feel like the only person in the whole world that feels like this. Like I am alone and no one could ever possibly understand. I need to crawl out of the hole but I do not know how. And you are not here to help.

Love,
Your Daughter

Two weeks into my first job where you are not my co-worker

I have officially had a new job for 2 weeks. Its so very weird to drive to a new office, I almost got off the highway at our old exit today. I talk everyday to at least one customer about you. So many still don't know you are gone, so its is always an awful conversation.

Yesterday really got under my skin. I cried on the way home, I cried all evening, I couldn't get to sleep. I called my Dad at midnight, and he was awake. We talked for a long time about death and you. About how when my brother died he relived the day it happened over and over, and for a long time he had a hard time doing anything. He told me he always loved you, that he was so shocked that you had done this and that you must have really been hurting. You guys have been divorced for decades and this is painful even for him.

He is the best and I could never do this with out him.

I am missing you and can't believe you are really gone.

Love,

Your Daughter

A new year

Here it is a new year, I survived it and I have started a new job even! All without you here.

I feel like life is trucking along and like nothing is different.

I was sick the last few days, the kind where I would have normally reached out to you because I felt so bad, but I can't.

Yoga classes started tonight, but I am not there. Support group is meeting tonight but I am not there. I am cooking dinner, thinking about paying my past due daycare payments, and utility bill, thinking that I need to go work on a poster for my dad.

I feel like there is not enough time to do anything, let alone stop and give any notice to tears streaming down my face tonight.

Love,

Your Daughter