Its a Tuesday, I am at work just like every other day. But just like so many days before I can't concentrate on my to do list. I keep staring at the computer or look at your little flowered password book with the "M" on the cover flipping through its pages of your handwriting. I always touch it, running my fingers over the letters, I can feel the ones written in ball point pen etched into the pages a little. I love the Ms and the Ls, and the funny passwords you came up with for websites that made you change it to often (man we both hated that)! Then I am looking at your emails where you saved "The Letter" and I am tumbling down the rabbit hole of despair, anger and sadness.
I know it has only be 7 months since you left, but most days the pain I feel inside is unbearable, and I constantly feel like the only person in the whole world that feels like this. Like I am alone and no one could ever possibly understand. I need to crawl out of the hole but I do not know how. And you are not here to help.
Love,
Your Daughter
even though she said goodbye, I still have so much to say
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Friday, January 16, 2015
Two weeks into my first job where you are not my co-worker
I have officially had a new job for 2 weeks. Its so very weird to drive to a new office, I almost got off the highway at our old exit today. I talk everyday to at least one customer about you. So many still don't know you are gone, so its is always an awful conversation.
Yesterday really got under my skin. I cried on the way home, I cried all evening, I couldn't get to sleep. I called my Dad at midnight, and he was awake. We talked for a long time about death and you. About how when my brother died he relived the day it happened over and over, and for a long time he had a hard time doing anything. He told me he always loved you, that he was so shocked that you had done this and that you must have really been hurting. You guys have been divorced for decades and this is painful even for him.
He is the best and I could never do this with out him.
I am missing you and can't believe you are really gone.
Love,
Your Daughter
Yesterday really got under my skin. I cried on the way home, I cried all evening, I couldn't get to sleep. I called my Dad at midnight, and he was awake. We talked for a long time about death and you. About how when my brother died he relived the day it happened over and over, and for a long time he had a hard time doing anything. He told me he always loved you, that he was so shocked that you had done this and that you must have really been hurting. You guys have been divorced for decades and this is painful even for him.
He is the best and I could never do this with out him.
I am missing you and can't believe you are really gone.
Love,
Your Daughter
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
A new year
Here it is a new year, I survived it and I have started a new job even! All without you here.
I feel like life is trucking along and like nothing is different.
I was sick the last few days, the kind where I would have normally reached out to you because I felt so bad, but I can't.
Yoga classes started tonight, but I am not there. Support group is meeting tonight but I am not there. I am cooking dinner, thinking about paying my past due daycare payments, and utility bill, thinking that I need to go work on a poster for my dad.
I feel like there is not enough time to do anything, let alone stop and give any notice to tears streaming down my face tonight.
Love,
Your Daughter
I feel like life is trucking along and like nothing is different.
I was sick the last few days, the kind where I would have normally reached out to you because I felt so bad, but I can't.
Yoga classes started tonight, but I am not there. Support group is meeting tonight but I am not there. I am cooking dinner, thinking about paying my past due daycare payments, and utility bill, thinking that I need to go work on a poster for my dad.
I feel like there is not enough time to do anything, let alone stop and give any notice to tears streaming down my face tonight.
Love,
Your Daughter
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
I made it through Christmas
Dear Mom,
I survived my first Christmas with out you. For the first time in 5 years we loaded up our truck and went somewhere different for the holiday, so that we wouldn't have to be at home that is full of Christmas memories with you. You always spend it with us. I missed our amazing Christmas Eve dinner, and Christmas morning mimosas with you. It will never be the same now.
I took a bath and the minute I was alone I could not stop the tears from pouring down my face. I missed you so intensely it ached. I just can not understand why you wanted to leave and its so unfair that you are gone. People assure me that you are no longer in pain and are in a "better place" but there is no better place than with my kids on Christmas morning. I would give anything to understand and knowing that I will never have an answer is agony.
I miss your laugh and your voice.
Love,
Your Daughter
I survived my first Christmas with out you. For the first time in 5 years we loaded up our truck and went somewhere different for the holiday, so that we wouldn't have to be at home that is full of Christmas memories with you. You always spend it with us. I missed our amazing Christmas Eve dinner, and Christmas morning mimosas with you. It will never be the same now.
I took a bath and the minute I was alone I could not stop the tears from pouring down my face. I missed you so intensely it ached. I just can not understand why you wanted to leave and its so unfair that you are gone. People assure me that you are no longer in pain and are in a "better place" but there is no better place than with my kids on Christmas morning. I would give anything to understand and knowing that I will never have an answer is agony.
I miss your laugh and your voice.
Love,
Your Daughter
Thursday, December 11, 2014
What do I tell my daughters?
This evening Joey talked to me on the way to her Christmas dance recital dress rehearsal, and said that she didn't understand why you were the one that died. She thought it would a great grandma first because they were so much older than you and that it wasn't fair.
She said that she didn't feel like she can be sad because I am the one who lost my Mom and I'm so upset. It was heartbreaking, because she doesn't know why you died. I told her that you got sick and your heart broke, which everyone tells me ok, and that it really is kind of the truth.
It feels like a lie, because it is. She 9 and Charlie is 4 so they would not understand fully. But Joey is smart, she knows something is wrong. I want so badly to tell her, I hate the lie. I want her to know, and feel this with me, and understand why I am so sad. She will not understand why you chose to leave her, the same as I do. I do not have any answers for her.
What do I tell them? When are they old enough to hear it? Why on earth are these even questions that we have to deal with in our lives Mom?!
Love,
Your Daughter
She said that she didn't feel like she can be sad because I am the one who lost my Mom and I'm so upset. It was heartbreaking, because she doesn't know why you died. I told her that you got sick and your heart broke, which everyone tells me ok, and that it really is kind of the truth.
It feels like a lie, because it is. She 9 and Charlie is 4 so they would not understand fully. But Joey is smart, she knows something is wrong. I want so badly to tell her, I hate the lie. I want her to know, and feel this with me, and understand why I am so sad. She will not understand why you chose to leave her, the same as I do. I do not have any answers for her.
What do I tell them? When are they old enough to hear it? Why on earth are these even questions that we have to deal with in our lives Mom?!
Love,
Your Daughter
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
It's raining today
Dear Mom,
It's a dreary Wednesday today. I'm afraid rainy cold days will never be the same now as I feel chilled to the bone and am filled with sadness. I try to just get through the things I need to for work but I can only focus for a few hours at a time.
I've sent out about 50 emails today as I am trying to just get through the invoices. We worked together, in case anyone ever reads this and wonders what invoicing has to do with a letter to my mother. Everyday for almost 12 years we worked together. Now, however, I don't really work. I suffer through trying to just catch up the mess that has remained since you left. I don't blame you really, it just makes my heart ache to keep sending this:
Larry,
We are trying to catch up on a back log of invoices from the past few weeks. I am not sure if you heard or not by Melanie from our office passed away suddenly on November 13th. Please bear with me as I try to figure out life with out her. If you are not the normal person who receives invoices can you kindly forward it on to the correct party, I will update our records if you can let me know whom it should be.
Attached please find Invoice #6529.
If you have any questions please email me!
Amanda
Over and over I hit send and dread the response I'm going to get back. Most of our customers knew that you were the accounting person, not all know that you are also my mom. They'll never understand how hard this is.
Love,
Your Daughter
It's a dreary Wednesday today. I'm afraid rainy cold days will never be the same now as I feel chilled to the bone and am filled with sadness. I try to just get through the things I need to for work but I can only focus for a few hours at a time.
I've sent out about 50 emails today as I am trying to just get through the invoices. We worked together, in case anyone ever reads this and wonders what invoicing has to do with a letter to my mother. Everyday for almost 12 years we worked together. Now, however, I don't really work. I suffer through trying to just catch up the mess that has remained since you left. I don't blame you really, it just makes my heart ache to keep sending this:
Larry,
We are trying to catch up on a back log of invoices from the past few weeks. I am not sure if you heard or not by Melanie from our office passed away suddenly on November 13th. Please bear with me as I try to figure out life with out her. If you are not the normal person who receives invoices can you kindly forward it on to the correct party, I will update our records if you can let me know whom it should be.
Attached please find Invoice #6529.
If you have any questions please email me!
Amanda
Over and over I hit send and dread the response I'm going to get back. Most of our customers knew that you were the accounting person, not all know that you are also my mom. They'll never understand how hard this is.
Love,
Your Daughter
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
The day you left
Dear Mom,
It was a Thursday morning in November when you decided to leave. It was a day like any other day, we were at work together like we had done for the past almost 12 years. It's been 3 weeks since that day and I swear I relive it over and over again in my mind, in my dreams. I hope one day it does not feel like a such a nightmare, but today it does.
In a matter of an hour I found out some bad news about financial issues at work, then that you had been having suicidal thoughts in the last month, and that my step dad had found you and stopped you. Fifteen minutes after this you texted me your note saying goodbye. I got to be the last person to hear your voice which is now such a blessing and a curse at the same time.
In the end you chose to leave. I could not convince you to stay, and now nothing will ever be the same again.
Love,
Your Daughter
It was a Thursday morning in November when you decided to leave. It was a day like any other day, we were at work together like we had done for the past almost 12 years. It's been 3 weeks since that day and I swear I relive it over and over again in my mind, in my dreams. I hope one day it does not feel like a such a nightmare, but today it does.
In a matter of an hour I found out some bad news about financial issues at work, then that you had been having suicidal thoughts in the last month, and that my step dad had found you and stopped you. Fifteen minutes after this you texted me your note saying goodbye. I got to be the last person to hear your voice which is now such a blessing and a curse at the same time.
In the end you chose to leave. I could not convince you to stay, and now nothing will ever be the same again.
Love,
Your Daughter
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